My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize