I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
