I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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