i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
