3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize