Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
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