Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
