I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
