It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
you never un-have a 4some
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
