So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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