Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
