Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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