i need an iv and a liver transplant
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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