He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
