I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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