dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
