haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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