walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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