You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
