I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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