You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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