My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
