Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
