Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
