I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
