How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
