so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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