So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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