he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
