why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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