so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
