So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
