highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
