The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I have post one night stand depression
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