he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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