My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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