I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
