Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
