there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
