it's too hot outside to masturbate.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
