Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
