You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
