he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
