Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
