my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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