I wish I could punch you in the face.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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