You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You need a sexual gate keeper
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
