there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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