he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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