Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize