Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
