Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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