I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
