I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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