life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize