I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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